Can't go over it, can't go under it, must go through it

(WAYNESVILLE, NC) — Is anyone still out there? I hope so. God, I feel pretty low about not writing in so long. I just feel like I haven’t had anything good to say. I’ve fallen into a bit of a holding pattern, and no one wants to hear about that. It’s like someone forcing pictures of his or her grandbabies on unreceptive friends. What makes it complicated is that I really I like the people I work with, and I have an editor who believes in me. I am a somebody in this small, mountain town, and I feel that most folks around me are open and friendly. Sure, this is an all-American, conservative area with not a lot of young singletons, but I do feel embraced to a point, and that feels good. Doesn’t it always, though?

It also helps that this area is pretty. The scenery isn’t gorgeous but is easy-on-the-eyes and approachable. When I drive around the county’s winding back roads, which I love, I’m always struck with how the kudzu vines blanket everything here. They cover tall trees and bushes and fences, making them all look like amorphous topiaries. I marvel at that.

If only I weren’t spectacularly unhappy.

I don’t blame anyone but me. I just have inserted myself into a job that doesn’t pay my bills at all, but that I love certain aspects of. I know this is the common story, but I haven’t had to do normal in so long that part of me is kicking and screaming here. I don’t know how you slay this dragon, but it’s not by hiding, and that is what I have done for the last few months. I know there is only so much beer I can drink, Netflix I can watch and friends I can call before I finally settle into what I can’t avoid:

I have to solve my own life. What a tall order.

It’s funny, though, because at least my recent downer has snapped awake a certain part of me. I do appreciate that. It reminds me of what I want. Even more than the teddy bear-like husband, the little plot of land somewhere in the desert and the kiddos, I want myself. I want to feel this completely and come out better on the other side. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I really don’t care what I do for a living or where I do it, just as long as I’m happy. I know this sounds massively unoriginal, but it somehow feels new to me, and I’m tingling with knowledge that’s eternal but seems strangely fresh. I can do anything. The only caveat is that I have to feel alive while doing it.

Man, if only these life lessons weren’t as painful as they are cathartic.

3 comments to Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, must go through it

  • Wishing you well on this trip of yours, both of them. There are people twice your age still trying to find themselves, so I salute you doing so at a young age.

  • Yo I can totally relate to living up to what you want inside you. I have these moments where I am like okay, from here on out I’m gonna do this my way and do what is gonna make me satisfied then life gets the best of me.

    I had this feeling when I first smoked pot. As generic as that sounds (though I dont smoke anymore or drink for close to three years now) I remember feeling like i was somewhere so familiar and wonderful. Its literally like a complete feeling of extacy without all the stereotypical ews and ahs. Well lately i feel that sense of bliss and then it goes away.

    I reckon if life was to good we wouldn’t know what to do with our happy little selves. I take the good with the bad and enjoy most when things are just fine.

  • Tom Henderson

    If you might remember when you came through Panama City you stopped at the gas station. I happened to meet you and admire your travel rig. In my case life is a mix of takeing care of the most important things. On the other hand those expectations that we have which go to our very sole. Some of them can be reailized and some can only linger within us. I am certianly glad you are back on the air. Your friend Tom…later

Leave a Reply




You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>