(WAYNESVILLE, NC) — Is anyone still out there? I hope so. God, I feel pretty low about not writing in so long. I just feel like I haven’t had anything good to say. I’ve fallen into a bit of a holding pattern, and no one wants to hear about that. It’s like someone forcing pictures of his or her grandbabies on unreceptive friends. What makes it complicated is that I really I like the people I work with, and I have an editor who believes in me. I am a somebody in this small, mountain town, and I feel that most folks around me are open and friendly. Sure, this is an all-American, conservative area with not a lot of young singletons, but I do feel embraced to a point, and that feels good. Doesn’t it always, though?
It also helps that this area is pretty. The scenery isn’t gorgeous but is easy-on-the-eyes and approachable. When I drive around the county’s winding back roads, which I love, I’m always struck with how the kudzu vines blanket everything here. They cover tall trees and bushes and fences, making them all look like amorphous topiaries. I marvel at that.
If only I weren’t spectacularly unhappy.
I don’t blame anyone but me. I just have inserted myself into a job that doesn’t pay my bills at all, but that I love certain aspects of. I know this is the common story, but I haven’t had to do normal in so long that part of me is kicking and screaming here. I don’t know how you slay this dragon, but it’s not by hiding, and that is what I have done for the last few months. I know there is only so much beer I can drink, Netflix I can watch and friends I can call before I finally settle into what I can’t avoid:
I have to solve my own life. What a tall order.
It’s funny, though, because at least my recent downer has snapped awake a certain part of me. I do appreciate that. It reminds me of what I want. Even more than the teddy bear-like husband, the little plot of land somewhere in the desert and the kiddos, I want myself. I want to feel this completely and come out better on the other side. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I really don’t care what I do for a living or where I do it, just as long as I’m happy. I know this sounds massively unoriginal, but it somehow feels new to me, and I’m tingling with knowledge that’s eternal but seems strangely fresh. I can do anything. The only caveat is that I have to feel alive while doing it.
Man, if only these life lessons weren’t as painful as they are cathartic.