Feeling a little lost in America

(AUSTIN, Texas) — I am looking at my last post and smiling at how quickly things change. It’s amazing how, when you’re full, you can’t imagine hunger, and when you’re hungry, you can’t imagine satisfaction. Right now, I know what side I’m on.

I won’t get into it much, except to say that my financial situation has become very tense, very fast. Suddenly, I have two months of living to my name — and that’s it. The trip isn’t over, but it’s about to change drastically. I have to settle down in Austin for a time and make some money before I move on. Maybe it will be a month; maybe it will be three. I feel out of my skin, out of my element. For so long, I have made most of my money as a writer and photographer. The idea of doing anything else scares me. The idea of holding out and waiting for a job that allows me to do just that sounds impractical. Suddenly, my needs are so basic. I just need to support myself. Forget the worries about my self-esteem and my figure and all those people I need to write back. I simply need to make a living. I had calculated that it wouldn’t be like this. I had calculated that I had at least a month or so before I really had to worry about this stuff. I had a dream that I would land a gig with the US Census and that my lack of funds would segue sweetly into a new source of income. Please excuse my youthful folly.

So many thoughts are going through my head right now, and most of them aren’t clear. I know I have to protect myself and guide myself gently into this new phase while hitting the ground running. Must find RV park. Must find job. Must continue to write. In the midst of all my swirling crazies, those are the only steps that matter. I have already called some of my closest friends and divulged my fears to them. Enough of that. Months ago, I wrote that I would keep doing this trip, whatever it takes. Now, it’s time to step up to the plate and do it. Cowboy up, as they say.

Damn, I almost want to apologize for the drastic, dark tone of this piece. Things aren’t terrible, just exceedingly real. Part of me wants to go to movie and forget all of this. Part of me wants to get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow and try to solve my life. I’m guessing what I should and will do is somewhere in the middle.

4 comments to Feeling a little lost in America

  • Hey Stina,
    I just wanted to send you some hugs and warm fuzzies! I am on CS and saw your post looking for places to put your trailer in Wilmington, NC a while back. I wasn’t in town and so wasn’t able to help you but I did go glance at your site. It was great and I bookmarked it to come back another day and enjoy myself. I love your words and the pics. Today happened to be that day hence the hugs and warm fuzzies!!! I envy you your journey and enjoin you to have faith cuz the universe is a great thing and it always works out, not necessarily in the manner you wanted or anticipated but it does work out : ) I’ve been a nomad for the past 15 years and have had some tight moments along with the incredible ones, faith is a good thing to have. Currently I’ve let myself get sucked into mainstream and my journey has been interrupted but I there’s that faith thing : ) Enjoy Austin, it’s a great place! I wish I could suggest some people down there but no love : ( Keep writing and taking pictures and above all enjoy this wacky thing called life!!!


    It was great talk to you today.
    Feb.05,2010 If you like talk some
    more I can be reach by my cell phone 512-913-7262.

    Thank you,


    ps: You have great work !!!!!!

  • ruthie

    ah its been so long.i loved the louisiana who dat and i am wondering when you are going to come to my little monochromatic suburbia. of course its just selfish wishful thinking. im currently sick and my friend kelsey says hi and she loves stuff like poutine [fatty goodness] well write on and beware of a guy called shompti hes overly optimistic in a rather pessimistic way. your contagious and strung out cousin, ruth

  • ruthie

    here again.oh i just have to tell you about my current life situation. i am currently trying yet again, to go goth.im trying to order my gas mask and other goth fashion essentials today. of course this could be doomed. shompti says hi and wants to know if you are really supposed to eat that or is it another scheme put on by the government.[ah anarchy.] happy valentines day

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